Everyone handles grief differently. That's what I've been positively preached the last year. I know this to be true just observing my family's reaction to my mom's passing. My little brother seems to block out what he can, when he can. However, at times, he gets very moody and nobody can pull him out of it. I don't know if this is because he is trying to deal with emotion, or if he is just annoyed about what is going on at a certain time. It seems to happen often enough that I have begun to wonder if it isn't something significant. My older brother. I'm not so sure about Tyson. He has taken everything so... distantly. He has never really seemed upset. I don't understand his mentality. If anyone in this family should be depressed, it should be him. He has not been to church in over a decade. He claims to be an atheist, and wants nothing to do with the church. In his mind, my mom is gone forever. I know this to be false, but if he truly believes it, there is no way he should have taken everything in stride the way he has.. My dad. He is interesting. I know he is struggling. I can see him cracking all the time. He watches their favorite movie over and over again and I'm sure he cries a lot more than he lets on. His mentality is that if we continually have something to look forward to, we can get through all of our life without thinking about anything. I'm sure he'd talk to me if I let on that I wanted to, but I don't have enough courage to ask. Currently, he is looking forward to a Journey concert this July that my older brother bought him tickets for. My dad is a HUGE Journey fan. I've inherited this love, and my dad bought tickets for me and my brothers so we can all go. It's going to be fantastic. I just can't help but think that continually looking forward, running from our past, is going to catch up to us one day. I'm really sick of running.
I'm doing better with my emotions lately. My psychologist has suggested keeping a "feelings journal", and I have found this VERY helpful in trying to organize and better regulate my emotions. Sometimes they are crazy. It's like standing outside in a hurricane, but you can't move because you're shoes are stuck in the cement. At the same time, my brain is trying to shield me from the force of the winds, to protect me. I often don't experience my emotions the way I know I should. I'm gonna keep praying. I'm going to keep working on it. I know my mom is rooting for me. With a Heavenly Father and two mothers in heaven cheering me on, how can I fail?
Maybe that's a lot of expectation from a trip out of the country, but I really believe in the power of healing through doing everything possible to show your dedication to life. I may have suicidal thoughts, but those thoughts do not define me as a person or have to dictate what happens to me in this life. There are limitless possibilities for me to become the person I want to be. I've only very recently found myself playing spectator to life, and I do not enjoy such a position. In the past, I was not afraid to grasp life by the handle and go flying with it. There is such liberation in knowing that you can be anyone you want in this world. There is even more freedom in knowing that you have a Heavenly Father watching over you and providing you with heavenly strength as you struggle through trials to become that person.