Temple trips and rose gardens

This past week I had the extraordinary opportunity to participate in  my ward's temple night. I had never been to the St. George temple, and I was very interested considering how much history is involved with the temple. We all loaded up in our little car pool, and for the simple reason of amazing car companions, the forty five minute road trip went by ridiculously fast. Walking into the temple, it felt like a dropped a heavy backpack off my back. It was the most amazing sense of relief I have felt in a while. The whole process was very intriguing, as it was different in some ways versus my experiences in the Provo temple. It was small and intimate, whereas the Provo temple is always crowed and sometimes feels too full of people. The architecture of the building was phenomenal, and it just reaffirmed my testimony of the church. If the struggling, poverty-stricken saints in early St. George history could build such a magnificent building with such detail with very little resources, they must have believed that this temple was vital to their salvation. It was beautiful.

Because I was only the third one in the group of like twenty five to go through the process, I was left with time on my hands and I decided to explore the grounds of the temple. As soon as I walked out of the doors, my eyes were drawn to a small sitting area in the corner of the field that was lit up. As I ventured closer, I discovered a rose garden surrounding the seating area, obviously intended for photographic purposes. As I leaned to smell one of the beautifully bloomed pink roses, I was suddenly hit with the strongest memory of my mom trimming our rosebushes at home on hot Saturdays. As she had guys around to do the mowing, she usually attended to the vast number of rose bushes on our property, and in my mind I went over the countless times she would cut flowers to put on our kitchen counter. It was one of the most heart-wrenching experiences as I sat on that cold bench remembering my mom doing something she enjoyed doing. That day I was grateful for my mom's ability to see beauty in the smallest things.

Smiles and Laughs

A new suggestion from a new therapist I have received is to keep a gratitude diary of attributes I saw in my mom. I'm not entirely sure how it will help, but I am going to start today, and have been thinking about her a lot recently.
One of the things I miss most about her is the way she lit up the room with her laugh and smile. She has the kind of smile that is incredibly infectious. It lit up her face, and gave you the feeling of getting a hug, just by looking at her. She is funny too. Her and my dad used to just bounce their jokes off each other, and I think my dad's favorite thing was when he could bring out her beautiful smile.

We were a team, she and I, and we understood each other sometimes in the most perfect moments of clarity. I miss our talks. The ones about all my petty teenage problems, about how the family was doing, and which class I was worried about. I know she is doing important work on the other side though. Someday, I hope to join her.

Adventures and Anniversaries

This past week has been the most interesting week. On Wednesday night, I got to come home for my fall break back to my family and friends. On Thursday was the one year anniversary of my mom's passing. Considering how much anxiety and dread I felt leading up to the day, it went along relatively uneventful. I was definitely occupying myself with my besties in order to keep myself safe and numb. My psychologist suggested creating a ritual to honor my mom on that day, and I chose to make strawberry cupcakes, as that was one of my favorite activities we used to do together. It helped in some ways, in most ways, however, it just made me sad that she wasn't there to participate and crack the eggs open for me. In other news, my tall red-headed "husband" had his farewell talk as he is leaving on Nov 6 to go to Mexico on his mission! Due to the fact that I am currently living three hours away, this past weekend was the last time I was going to be able to adventure with him before his mission. We've been making a list for weeks now in anticipation for this fun-filled weekend. We did most of the things on the list, and I unfortunately forgot to take pictures. The whole weekend was, as a consequence, one big sunshine moment. 

We went to a soda and candy shop,

We watched Fox and the Hound because I said I wanted to watch it,

We made cupcakes in ice cream cones,

We had a picnic in the park and turned the ducks into carnivores,

We went shopping for Halloween costumes!

We tried Jamba's secret menu,

and lastly, we visited Cherry Lane Keepsakes because I said I had always wanted to go inside.

I am going to miss this boy more than I could possibly describe in words, but I am super proud of him for giving up two years of his life to go serve the people of Mexico. He has been like an older brother to me since the seventh grade when I walked up to him in the hallway and commented on his food choices in the lunchroom. He and me shared both of our first date, and he gave me a really long hug back in last year's October when I was crying my eyes out. He has been through everything under the sun with me, and still calls me his best friend :) And when I had to hug him goodbye for two years, I thought my heart would nearly break into two, but the comforting thought that he was on the Lord's errand strengthened me as I promised to write him every week; all 104 of them.

The Atonement's Influence

This past week has been a bit of a change of mindset for me, and it's all because of a book. One book, actually. The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox to be exact. Now, I received this book from my very best friend for Christmas, and at the time I was a little confused. I had no idea if he was telling me that there was something he thought I needed to repent of or if he just knew I liked books, and picked one at random. In any case, much to my current displeasure, I put the book in my bookcase and thought nothing much else about it.
Let's get something straight, I absolutely love to read. I devour books just about as fast as I can get them. Lately, I have had a bit of affinity for more gospel-centered books even. Just a month ago, I had the extreme privilege of reading Paul Cardall's Before My Heart Stops. This book moved me in a way that I hadn't experienced in a very long time. If you want a good heart wrenching book, try reading this book. But anyway, back on topic. I love books. So it was abnormal that I received a book and put it on the shelf without reading it at least twice. But, around Christmas time, I had no intention of opening my heart with a book about the Atonement.

Unfortunately, when my mom died, I closed off my heart from the world, and sadly, to the only one who could ever understand what I am going through. I am pretty convinced that is why the process of becoming Mandy again has taken so long. Only very recently have I realized that closing myself off from Him is only hurting myself. I think I subconsciously I thought that letting myself dip into depression and being miserable would hurt Him. Maybe on some level, I wanted Him to feel responsible for making me this way. He took away my mom. He did this because for some reason He hates me. All of this was on a very subconscious level, because on the outside, I convinced myself that I was doing everything I could to live from day to day. Boy was I kidding myself...
Heavenly Father was hurt when I shut myself from Him. But not in the way that I thought I wanted. He was hurt because He knows that somewhere in this trial, I was going to come out stronger than I could ever imagine. He was hurt because he KNOWS I have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation, yet I turned my back and said I couldn't handle everything that I had to go through. I have realized while reading Brad Wilcox's book that I was mocking my Savior's Atonement. I convinced myself that I could handle all of this on my own, and that I was stuck in the miserable state that I let myself fall to. This directly contradicts the purpose of the Atonement. The Atonement doesn't just save us from sin and comfort us in trial (although I am very grateful for these aspects), but it also plays an important part in bringing apart the whole purpose of coming to this Earth. It redeems. The Atonement is a means to progression, something that I stopped believing in when I condemned myself to be miserable for the rest of what little bit of life I planned on letting myself have. But, like is the Savior's way, when I was in my darkest hour, He found me and reminded me that this life isn't all black and white. He reminded me that I have a testimony of the Atonement and of His grace, and that nothing could take that away from me but me. I have the power to decide how to react from trials, and at the moment, I was choosing Satan's way.  Somewhere along the path, I started worrying in my carnal, mortal-minded way that the Savior's Atonement didn't include me. Well guess what? That is exactly what Satan does best. He has a way of rooting out secret fears of being left out and festers them until they take over completely. But this line of logic couldn't be further from the truth! The Savior's Atonement not only includes me, it encompasses me, wholly and completely.
This is what I realized I had let myself forget while throwing myself into misery because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. Let me set the record straight though, I miss my mom. Completely. Absolutely miss her. There are times when I scream into the emptiness 'Why aren't you here? Where are you?!'. But I know with a perfect surety that she is still here. Her spirit walks this earth, doing missionary work on the other side of the veil. And I also know that if I do everything I can to exemplify the Savior here, like she did, I will see her again one day. I will get the opportunity to run up to her and hug her just like I did before, because that's what the Atonement is all about- love. I love you mommy. I never go a day without thinking about what you would say about how I'm living my life. I'm trying to make you proud! Talk to you soon.