Christmas trees.

Putting up the tree has always been my very favorite part about the holiday season. At my house, it was an all day affair. We started with a deep clean of the front room, and made sure to turn on the Forgotten Carol's CD so that we could really get in the Christmas mood. We then proceeded to tromp out to the shed to retrieve our Christmas boxes. Starting with the tree, we slowly transformed the inside and outside of our house into a Christmas wonderland. Last year was awful. Trying to pick up the broken fragments of our lives and attempting to have a very merry Christmas was not an easy thing for any of us. This year was okay. But everytime I put up the tree is another year without my mom. Maybe I shouldn't wallow, but I should have treasured that time with her more. Often times I kick myself for not being a nicer daughter, a better helper, a more charitable person. I guess the what ifs are the hardest part.

Some days are just hard

One of the things I hate most about living away from home is that I can't go and visit my mom whenever I want to anymore. Over the past year, I have developed a habit of visiting the cemetery on particularly hard days. Even though I know that I can talk to her anywhere I am, there is something oddly comforting of knowing that I'm close to her body. I've found myself wishing for the chance to go sit beside her grave and talk to her the way I did before. Sometimes I would bring a notebook and write my feelings down through poetry, and often, I felt like she was listening to my ramblings.
I had a dream the other night that she stopped by and told me she loves me. It felt way to real and new to not have been a message from her. I remember hearing a general authority talk about how a dream about someone who has passed on is usually an actual encounter with them. It's very comforting to know that she knows what I need and is able to help in small ways like talking to my spirit while I sleep.
This last appointment has left me with the duty to mediate daily for five minutes. It has been surprising to me how much I can relax during the times that I force myself to. Although it's not nearly as much as my therapist probably would like, I am proud of myself. Today I am grateful for my mom's hugs. I swear I've never felt safer in the whole world than when I'm in her arms. There were many days where I had lovely little emotional break downs with her and we would just hug each other. I'd rather feel her arms around me now than any feeling in the whole world.

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I love you too mom. Thanks for dropping in and checking in on me. I'm trying to make you proud.
P.s. I know I've already shared this picture, but I love her smile in it.

It's snowing!

Sometimes when you wake up, you can just tell it's a Monday immediately. It's been one of those days I guess. Due to daylight savings, my sleep-wake cycle is completely out of wack and I was uber groggy when I woke up after a night filled with nightmares. I took one step outside and immediately lost feeling in my face and fingers. Winter is here. Unfortunately, it is now snowing buckets of fluff onto the ground and guess who rode her bike to campus today? o.O Why I did this, I am not entirely sure... In any case, I am actually pretty excited about winter coming because I love the snow when I am properly bundled in coats, gloves, boots, and scarves. Sledding is one of my very favorite activities, and this year I am going to finally try snowboarding if I have my way :) So although the recent weather is a source of frustration, it is also, ironically, my sunshine moment of the day. There is something very very magical about the first snow of the season. I just maybe wish it would have waited for another couple of weeks. 

Because of the snow, I am reminded of long days with my little brother in the back yard playing with the snow in all sorts of ways. I rather enjoyed hanging out with my little brother, but the best part was coming inside and having my mom make us hot chocolate. Of course, as I got older, I made it for myself. However, looking back, I really appreciated her help.

Another memory is a day when the marching band attended the Mt. Timpanogas competition. I remember running very late and asking my mom to throw some food into a grocery bag so I could eat while we were watching other bands. When inspecting the bag later on the bus, I noticed not only a ton of food, but also an extra pair of my super warm fuzzy socks. This touched me in a way that she probably didn't know. She did know that it snows every year during the Mt. Timpanogas competition, and she probably figured that by the time I was done, my socks would be soaked through and I might be miserable. That pair of socks meant the world to me, even though all it did was physically keep my toes warm. But that's how my mom is; doing everything in her power to make my life run a little bit smoother even though she was always the one who deserved special treatment. Today I miss her a ton, even though she would have hated that it was snowing.

Banana bread and Bandits

Happy Halloween!

Even though I only had one class on Thursday, I had to dress up because Halloween is my most favoritest holiday! I love the creativity of people dressing up, the pumpkin flavored everything, the cute little kids knocking on our door to beg for candy, the pumpkin carving, the fun movies about witches and warlocks, and finally, the haunted houses. Usually I spend the Halloween season with my dad going to multiple haunted houses in search of one that actually scares us(it hasn't happened yet).  Unfortunately, due to the fact that I live three hours away, I did not have the opportunity to attend with my dad. Next year though, I'm going to make up for it!

Today I am grateful for when my mom would make banana bread. Even though it didn't happen often, I loved the way she would make the whole house smell heavenly and I had a nice warm loaf waiting for me on the counter.