Emotions

My psychologist says that I need to learn to ride out the emotions that I have when I have them. She says that linking the emotion with a fact from my environment is the first step in learning how to regulate my emotions more normally. For example, if I pulled up to a red light and I got mad, I would say "I am mad because the light is red". That's it. Period. The tricky part is realizing that your emotions are never good nor bad, THEY JUST ARE. One of my very best friends once told me that "You always have the right to feel the way you are feeling". You shouldn't excuse the way you feel, or think you are wrong. This is simply because emotions are the way your body communicates to you. This is very hard when society would have you think that emotions like 'mad', or 'sad', or 'scared' are bad emotions. Sometimes I feel like this overly-judgmental world we live in thinks it's really okay to judge someone's emotions as 'wrong' or 'right'. Growing up in a neighborhood completely filled with LDS members, it's a little more difficult to distinguish these thoughts in my ward members. However, the subtle changes of topics and sometimes the blatant opposition to negative emotions is very apparent when you experience the loss of a family member the way I have. Through this entire process, I have gotten the message that I need to 'move on' and push away the negative feelings, because if you're not happy happy happy all the time, you're wrong. Not only was this mentality incredibly hard to adapt, it's even harder to get out of after you have been damaged the way I have. All in all, releasing my emotions again has been one of the most challenging experiences. One thing that helps me is trying to find that one beautiful ray of sunshine in every day. I do believe that everyday holds a bountiful number of blessings from heaven that are just waiting to be acknowledged. So, from now on, I am going to find that 'sunshine moment' in my day, and try to focus on that instead of dwelling in my oh-so-comfortable pit of despair. So. Today's sunshine moment: I remembered to bring my favorite pair of toe socks with me to college. That's right! It's as simple and beautiful as that. You see, today's weather has been quite arctic, and I am quite confident that without my red and yellow stripy toe socks, I may not have made it to campus with all ten of my little toes. I may not have experienced as much happiness today as I did maybe a year and half ago, but it's a start. Here's to finding the red and yellow stripy toe socks of my day until I can become myself again!

A whole lot of change, and a whole lot of confusion

Sometimes things happen, and it's hard to get a grip on them. After the fact, it's easy to see what should have been done, and how I should have reacted. The last seven years of my life have been that way for me especially. I am starting this blog as a journal of sorts. A way to reflect on my journey to become Mandy again. I'm hoping to be able to look back on this blog and see the good out of all this. I am definitely a firm believer that we go stronger out of trials, and in a sense, I am putting this to test.
I also think this could be very therapeutic for me. Occasionally, amidst all of my meanderings into my deepest thoughts, I will address this blog directly to my mom. I know she is still around me, even if I can't see her. But I can feel her, and I want to have that connection again. I know the road ahead is going to be rocky, but I believe that "anything worth having, is worth doing". This has been one of my main mantras this past year. Sometimes I feel as if I am constantly chanting this to myself. So, with head up, I will face this new world of mine with the Savior by my side, hoping that little by little, I can become the Mandy I hope to be.